“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
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is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
pls suprot
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*