BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
You Might Also Like
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Come back with a warrant
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup