If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
“I FIXED IT!”
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”