*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
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FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”