My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
You Might Also Like
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”