The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
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Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.