*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
You Might Also Like
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I’m confused about plants
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.