[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
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GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Love this guy
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.