Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
You Might Also Like
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.