Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
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Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?