DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
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Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
✌️
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Not today. 😅
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition