“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
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they should invent a rest for the wicked
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight