Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
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Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
reminder
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?