chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
You Might Also Like
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.