How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
You Might Also Like
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
a lot to unpack here
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.