i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
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Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
damn he’s good
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.