good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
You Might Also Like
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Denise please return my vape pen
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Does beer think about me too?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.