That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
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Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Reporter: *ports again*
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Good morning.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.