If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
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product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.