I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro