Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 馃槀馃槀
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I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacr茅 bleu.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I鈥檒l get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they鈥檙e sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
You can break your toddler鈥檚 heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE