*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
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“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
So sick of all these stupid rules
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.