Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
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me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents