if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
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There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
A Short Story.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.