“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
@funTweeters
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds