I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
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Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*