[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
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I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.