Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
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BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.