A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
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DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Me trying to walk in a dream
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?