self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
you have three unread messages
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”