“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
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*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice