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Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
School be like
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste