Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
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I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
smh
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.