I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
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I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.