I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
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Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
The only equipped I am is ill.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them