Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.