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* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*