Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
You Might Also Like
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.