[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
You Might Also Like
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen