Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
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ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
the red hot silly peppers
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!