STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.