Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
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A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
lol
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope