One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
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How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers