I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
You Might Also Like
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.