“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
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I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
This could be us… but you playing
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
my favorite genre of twitter
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??