I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
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When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.