When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
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Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.