Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
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Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Don’t touch that.
Me sliding into hell like
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.