i’m so old i’m almost back in style
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If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Lmbo
Snapes on a plane.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
there’s probably a fee though
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.