Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
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watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
The three genders
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
who will stop them
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut